I write this as my hand’s sting in pain from all the cuts and scratches. But I also write this to not feel alone.
Do you ever just think quietly, when will the universe reward me? Or what did I do so wrong to deserve this kind of life? I do, and it sucks. It sucks to coupe by thinking this way. I wish I didn’t. I really wish I didn’t. I don’t like myself for doing so. Truth is inside, there is a small rage in me, mad at the universe. If the universe was a fence, I push it over; if it was a punching bag, well I work out a pretty much deep sweat showing it did me wrong.
I use to love to run and do long runs and soak up the scenic views any kind of views, urban scapes or nature scapes. Well, I can’t run or do other solo sport, where I have only my own thoughts and don’t have to focus on external things, because inside me too much of a rage to run. Because as I run I know my thoughts would flood in my head asking, why universe why, please why, and get madder and madder, so I don’t run or do other solo activities.
Why the rag, well let me explain to you a typical day, like today. As well, let me explain to you the many things I thought I did right and just presumed the universe would give back for being there for others and helping where I can. Me just being a good person where ever I can.
So my day. My husband first. -> I have a husband who does nothing around the house and expects me to do everything, note he doesn’t monetarily compensate me for my work of being a maid, cook, gardener, tree trimmer, taxi caregiver, and so on. His money and his items are his and even in a divorce will be his and he will be reminded of it over and over. So how he wants the house to run is boss to slave, I do almost all housework and caregiving. I also do my work so I can make some money to pay for my things since he doesn’t give me access to any money. He gets angry when I work because I am not cleaning the house. But he can work and not have to do much outside of that, and he has an “I am the king of the castle, you are the peasant to serve me” attitude. I mostly hear how I am a bad wife, I don’t do what I am told, and I suck at most everything. Every birthday and Christmas I am told the same thing, money is tight and nothing is done for me, but yet I watch him spending money on himself left-right, and center and know very much so money is not tight. It is all pathetically unbalanced. Oh, I can’t even go to a grocery store to shop, he comes with me and pays because he won’t give me access to money to do so. This is just a small example of the control he thinks is normal and I can’t find a way to or explain him enough examples of how it is not and most would find it abusive or appauling.
Now for my day, and to see how unbalanced it is. The morning I rushed to do my work/day job because last couple of days I was a caregiver doing playdates, cleaning, organizing cooking, and tons of other …… wife or partner duties. As I do my work/day job, I am told by him the dishes are not done. Mind you, not my dishes. I nicely explain I have a time-sensitive work I need to focus on and ignore his barking. He isn’t giving me even an allowance, he isn’t allowing me access to any bank accounts or even letting me have my name on any of the family assets. So I need to work and keep my job so I can pay for myself to survive, as well as have some money to my name for my mental health. Then my kid decided to get the mail. I ask if I can see the mail he brings into the house. He responds, “No” dad wants him to bring the mail directly to him. Basically, I am denied even seeing the mail that is sent to the house that also is mine, without my husband seeing it first and throwing out what he feels isn’t mine or his. Which is crappy he has thrown away coupons I could use or catalogs I looked forward to. After my husband reads the mail he brings me a letter from our HOA stating a tree and vines have to be trimmed – a big tree, not easy to trim, as well vines on a fence have to be trimmed. Not an easy task and the letter is already three days late when we were supposed to do it. So for our house not to get fines. I stopped everything and went out to do it. I ask husband to help; he said not his problem it is up to me to do. Mind you he owns the house, he refuses to put me on the title, and I am doing this because this is what good partners do look out for each other, teamwork. But I can clearly see I don’t have a partner. Both the tree and vines have thorns and brutal thorns. As I am cutting it, working hard, getting scratched, cut and bleeding, not a typical work for a woman to do, using saws, having to throw heavy branches which should take two people over the fence my self I am crying inside, wishing I had another adult to help me. Even hope a neighbor feels sorry for me and comes out to help. Then my husband comes out and starts yelling at me dishes are not done and how he has no desire to help me in the backyard because the dishes (again, not my dishes) were not washed when he asked, and he has the right to ask me to do things and I should take him and his demands more seriously and not ignore them. Inside I swore at him, inside, I was thinking, yeah, crap like this is why we have no sex life. As he is berating me inside, I am honestly crying. Why universe, why? Why me, why do I deserve this? He goes inside, still knowing I am slaving away, can’t imagine what the neighbors think all of them could see from their windows I was there doing this crazy job myself and with my kid, I recruited to help. I know,in the past under their breath neighbors would point out they only see me working on the house all the time and how odd it is I don’t have help. Again inside, as they said it I think, yeah they are right and just feel down why me, wish it was different, and how did a man grow up and think this is acceptable to be like this in a marriage? If my mom was walking out the door to do such a task, my dad would be right there helping her, making her feel not alone. She does the same for him. This is what I thought marriage was. Back to my tree trimming, now I am basically bleeding from tons of scratches on my arms, hands, and even face from the thorns. My arms and hands are stinging so badly from the scratches, and my husband comes out like nothing is wrong and says he is going for his nightly walk at the lake and will be back later. Like a bloody princess, he goes for a walk and feels it is fine while I am with a saw cutting and moving pieces of a tree I can barely pick up they are so heavy. Zero remorse, zero maybe she needs help, maybe I should do it, or hey, it would look insensitive to walk right now when she is bleeding and in pain but still working hard to get it done before sunset. I don’t get it. The marriage is lonely due to his actions.
So I do think universe why is it ok not to reward me, some way somehow? Why can’t I have a relationship, a partnership of warmth, balance, of looking out for each other? I had the best role models growing up in my parents, and what a healthy relationship is and was. I didn’t even know men, even though the kind of marriage we have is acceptable in today’s society, or the universe would even allow it on good people. I feel pretty slighted.
Yeah, I am mad at the universe for screwing me over. Should I remind the universe of how I raised two troubled teenagers that were not mine after their parent passed? Should I remind the universe how I let numerous people who were homeless, in between places, or in the middle of breakups live with me for free? Should I remind the universe of all the volunteering I did, all the peacekeeping I did fixing broken families, broken kids, and broken adults? Should I remind the universe of the years of being a counselor at the sexual abuse center for free? Should I remind the universe of all the people I employed when I didn’t even have the means to employ them just so I can help them out? This is just a small sample of the good I did, but I can list so much more I did —->>> where is my payout for just being a good person, and how dare this be my payout. A husband who just works keeps the money to himself, then after work he feels his duties are done, and his wife job is to work also full time but keep the house, kids and him fed and house cleaned. A husband who is fine going for a happy walk as his wife is tree trimming the crazy large tree with thorns and cutting back vines with thorns along a large fence line and scratched up, cut up, bleeding in pain all scratched up. Yeah, I have rage. I also, at times, just want to cry, and I do inside thinking, is this the best I get in life, will this be how I die with not reward from the universe, living this life my own husband can’t see the good in me and the blessing he has?