I was diagnosed Schizo-affective disorder in 2008.  Post diagnosis I received my master’s degree in psychology and have been working in the mental health field as a therapist intern working with children and families.   One of the disadvantages of having this disorder is that I have a duo diagnosis; I am also an alcoholic and have used pain pills to get high along with pot.  I have been working a while and going to AA to help me stay clean and sober.  Unfortunately work can be so stressful that I start to either drink again or use pot or pills to get through the stress of the day.

I have a great job, love the clients and the comradery of working with my coworkers but I end up needing something to take the edge off at the end of the day.  I am starting to realize this is my pattern as painful as it is I wonder if I will ever be able to work again.  Just the thought of returning to work makes me suicidal right now.

I realized this the other day when I was scheduled to return to work and I had the thought that “I welcome death”.  I realized this and out loud I uttered the word  f….!  I knew I couldn’t return to work and this realization made me very sad but almost immediately the suicidal thoughts left me as I made the decision not to return to work.

This happened again recently.  I applied for a teaching job at a junior college teaching psychology.  It is a fantastic opportunity but as the time approaches when I will find out if I get the job or not, suicidal dreams encompass my mind and filter into the day too.  I wonder if I will ever be able to work again.  But my dilemma is that I don’t know what to do with my time if I don’t work?  I am just putting this out there to the universe.

This disorder is debilitating and I am tired of it but I accept it as it is and will not give up the fight.  I don’t want to be suicidal so for now I will not return to work.   I will try again in a month and see if things change but I fear this is my destiny to be on permanent disability.  God bless you all!