A neighbor befriend me when I moved to the burbs. She would comment we were best friends often. It was truly an adorable friendship of two married women supporting each other in day to day life of giggles, tea and lunches. One thing she did was always talk ill about everyone on our block when we were alone. The gossip she would reveal was painting my new neighborhood to be like the cast of Desperate Housewives. She would gossip on a range of topics of what’s happening to the neighbors, everything from married people cheating, people hiding they are getting foreclosed on, substance abuse, jealousy, bad parenting……
I valued her confiding in me and listened like a good friend, just thinking she needs to vent and needs an ear. However I should have seen red flags, meaning real red flags. But naïve me and also desperate me was so glad to have a new friend. I was new to the area and it was so hard making friends in this suburb and she was one the few people who reach out and became my friend. It felt so comforting and rewarding to have someone to hang with in an unsocial time in my life.
Well one day a red flag did pop up. She was talking really bad about one neighbor, to the point I can’t even image her wanting to be in the room with her and thought wow how brutal can totally see why they don’t hang out and haven’t maintained a friendship.
Then the next day I call her to have lunch and hear she is having lunch with that very neighbor talking so nicely like they are best friends and discover they have lunch at least once a week. Thought it was very strange. I have a different philosophy if I talk bad about someone you will not see me hanging out with them. So to me this was odd behavior. At that point I did see a bit of a clear picture of who she was but still thought good thoughts about our friendship thinking it was genuine. Well it felt genuine.
At the same time I couldn’t understand why people in our neighborhood were sort of ignoring me and avoiding any contact, it was getting worse by the day. If I was near any of them it was like a dark cloud was looming over me or was wearing a sign saying “don’t be her friend, or talk to her what’s so ever and if you do keep it short and cold”
Then without any notice another neighbor who just moved to the block came over and told me “to watch my back this women, who claims you two are close friends isn’t a friend” and she is talking really bad about me. In my fashion I waited until the neighbor who I thought was my true genuine friend would call processing this shock of why and nicely said “I need to talk to you, I thought we were friends but am hearing from other you are talking about me, and thought our friendship was more than that”
Well some people would say yes I messed up I am sorry I don’t want our friendship to ruin. However no she right away wanted to know who told me and then defended her self. I didn’t feel it was right nor mattered who told me so didn’t reveal it. It was more important for her to know who betrayed pushing and pushing me for it, that was her only concern. There was no apology. The next day she called, I didn’t pick up the phone I wasn’t ready to talk to her I was pretty hurt and raw. She left a message saying she figured out who told me and again defended her self-leaving a long winded voicemail with no apology. It got much worse, she went even further to do a smear campaign about me, it sucks. I go for walks in my neighborhood and felt shunned for now going on three years, people who pretend they didn’t see me when I smiled or wave passing them. Neighbors stopped knocking on the door like they use to when we were friend. If they borrowed things of mine prior to this incident I discover the items with no note on the front door step, obviously left there with no doorbell ring or knock to avoid talking to me.
I also have the philosophy that if you are a good person it will shine through at the end of the day and presumed my neighbors would see the truth. Oddly why can’t my neighbors see the truth or are they scared she will do the same to them if they are nice to me.
But they don’t see the truth now three years going, I am still shunned and somehow even though she moved away I see her on our block socializing often everyone is warm to her and cold to me.
At the end of the day it is about the quality of a friendship not how many you have. It sucks living in a neighborhood where you are treated like you are ignored when you simply smile and wave, or not included in neighborhood events while she not living here anymore is invited to all of them. However I do value the few genuine friends I have made outside of this neighborhood who live in the same suburb/city and wouldn’t trade them in for anything.
I realize this blog is almost a year old but I had to comment anyway as I am going through a similar situation.
When I first arrived at this apartment complex, residents here sat back and watched me moving in, then planting flowers outdoors, etc. If we passed, we said “hello” or” good morning,” Occasionally a more lengthy but still brief chat ensued. In other words, people were curious about this newcomer but were friendly enough. One neighbor even offered several times to help me bring items in from my vehicle and I both appreciated and accepted his offers. He and his wife are my neighbors across the hall and they are very outgoing, social citizens. I am a bit more shy, though certainly not unfriendly. I am just not the in-your-face-friendly type. In short, they have made friends with just about everyone here while I am still trying to remember a few names.
Well, these outgoing neighbors and I were chatting one day about the young children who live in this complex and I mentioned I was surprised to see them here given this is a 55+ community. (These kids are very young, seem well-behaved and well-supervised so do not misunderstand me–there have been no problems whatsoever with any of the young people who live here.) The discussion was brief and touched on the state law that requires 55+ communities to make a certain percentage of their rental units available to qualified tenants under 55. I commented that I had not taken that law into consideration when I decided to pursue senior housing, and with that our chat moved on to other things.
Since that conversation, I feel like a pariah in my community. I might get a curt “good morning” or “hello,” but only if I say it first and not always even then–some pretend they didn’t see or hear me and just continue on without as much as a nod. No one ventures outdoors in the vicinity where I am sitting anymore, and if they are out when I come out my door they suddenly remember something they have to do.
It seems that my comments made during the chat with those in-your-face-friendly neighbors of mine have grown legs in the retelling. Apparently, the word around the community is that I hate children and have no desire to live near them.
I have children (grown) of my own and during my “Mom” years I was actively involved in organizations to prevent child abuse. Our home had a “Safe House” sticker in the window for all kids in the neighborhood. I love kids but truth be told, I am at a stage in my life now where I want to kick back and not be climbing over bikes and toys left in the yard and other common areas and for that reason, I sought senior housing,
Why must people assume that my not wanting to live in family housing at this stage of my life means I hate children! Why do people need to gossip in the first place! And why do others have to listen! I find it disturbing at the very least that some citizens can gossip well into their 60s and 70s, while others live that long without ever learning that they should not believe everything they hear.
I am not sure that I will stay in this apartment complex beyond my current lease. Maybe I will go back to family-style apartments with bikes and toys strewn about, but where people are too busy living their own lives to find time to dictate mine.
Don’t you just hate two faced people?! It only takes one vicious person to poison a neighborhood.
Your neighbors never wised up to what this woman is all about. She sounds quite manipulative, judging how she reacted when you refused to out the woman who warned you about her. You never said what became of the person who warned you about Mrs. Two Face. I think that too many people are just dumb sheep who don’t have the capability of thinking for themselves. They’ll believe what ever gossip they hear and jump on the shunning bandwagon. It’s just a replay of middle school. I know because I see the same BS going on in my neighborhood. At first it bothered me terribly, but as time went on, I realized I don’t need toxic people like that in my life. So I ignore them.
Don’t have anything to do with them. Don’t wave, smile or even look in their direction.
If I’m in my front yard and I see these people coming down the street, I turn my back to them and act like they don’t exist. If you make the mistake of engaging in a heated conversation, it will just give them the ammunition they want to go and gossip about what you did. True, they can make things up about you and you can’t control that, but if you’re not having anything to do with them, you don’t make for a very interesting topic of conversation and gossip. You are thankful for the friendships you have outside of your street and that is a good thing. The only bright side is that they aren’t assaulting you or your property. Some groups of bullies will do that.
I went through a very similar situation a couple of years ago with a toxic neigbor. Her husband was poison as well.
My husband was working away from home (he’s a civil engineer) and I had moved to a new neighborhood. At first the neighbor’s wife was very friendly to me, but I did notice she gossiped about others. Not always in a bad way, but she did like to dwell on people’s horror stories. She was a spreader of depressing news. Then her husband started acting up and complaining about my dogs barking. He would come right up to the wall between us and shout at the dogs over the wall. My response was to increase the height of the wall, it being on our boundary side.
Undeterred, the husband told me the other neighbors didn’t like me either and that he could make life really difficult for me.
This was way beyond a fight about dogs barking. The wife still pretended to be friendly. But then the stalking started. And that’s when I went to see a lawyer. The lawyer said, these cases are difficult to handle. So I told him, listen to how we will handle this. He sent a letter addressed to both of them but delivered by the sheriff to the husband at his place of work. He works for a small company and was not expecting this. They have no letterbox or doorbell at their house so I was justified in doing so. Amazing how the biggest pests never like to be pestered themselves.
The letter set out all incidents over three years with a severe warning from my lawyer that their stalking and harassment was illegal and that I would not hesitate to pursue further action if they carried on with it. They were instructed to cease all contact with me, refrain from invading my privacy and stop spreading rumors about me.
It did the trick and the nasty neighbors have hardly ever dared to walk in their front garden since (I am still growing a hedge there).
Then I heard from a new neighbor that the same woman who had tried to make my life miserable had told her she was not the kind of person she wanted in her neighborhood. I told her what had happened to me and advised her to make a note of every incident and do what I did.
Neighbors come and go. People who slander others and those who listen to them are not worth associating with. My husband has since retired and we are not bothered by anyone. Word gets round.
Why Adrien I could of wrote your reply myself. I have two faced neighbours who are all elderly. They make it obvious they do not want younger people in thus street. The old guy next door hates the fact we are tidy, quiet and say hello to certain neighbours. To get no one to like us he tells awful lies that we swear at him and abuse him, total lies, I have nothing to do with the man. You are correct that people bully others and join in gossip to not be bullied themselves and shun them. I aren’t moving, how I deal with it blinds up, do my garden, cycle, enjoy music, family true friends I have met, and get on with my life. I aren’t at school now and I don’t play bat on my team anymore, I’m an adult. Don’t need neighbours I have family and friends. I see it that they are jealous of the the personality we are x we live once I aren’t wasting times on wasters
Thank you for sharing your personal struggles.
Reading others’ accounts of evil, harmful, gossiping neighbors has been so helpful & healing. I thought my story was so unique and I ached alone. It sounds like every neighborhood has at least one of these damage-doers. OUCH.
It’s hard to combat another person’s gossip, especially when they are calculated & manipulative. It’s like gossip is their sport & they’re always practicing, to get it just right.
If you are a decent person, you don’t retaliate.
If you are a decent person, you lose………………………………………Face it, no one else wants to get the treatment that the gossip dishes out, so they keep nodding, never to defend you. Justice for the gossiper seems to only occur in the movies, so don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.
If you are a decent person, you hope that other sympathetic neighbors confront that gossip, but you ‘ll never know.
ONE LESSON I LEARNED: Never tell the gossip to stop gossiping. They don’t think they gossip, and they don’t like being told what to do, no matter how diplomatically you put it. You think you might be standing up for what’s right, but that opinion ignites the spark of the ‘hell hath no fury’ treatment.
ANOTHER LESSON: The High Road has much less traffic, so buckle up, keep looking forward, and steer clear of the next red-flag. Let her be someone else’s nightmare.
When I first opened this blog because of the 2014 date, I just assumed it was dormant. Although nobody has written in a while, WOW I’m so glad I found this. I have a feeling this blog is helping many people, even tho not everyone stops in and makes a comment. I must say something since I found this blog with raw emotion looking up this topic online just as my neighbor is putting up a shield to prevent any contact at all between us. This is a neighbor I once enjoyed three years of “neighborly” friendship, until the one toxic neighbor that I read about in a previous post (man these people are vicious aren’t they?) got to her. This blog has already helped me so much. I’ve learned that yes people are sheep and although she saw and personally experienced my behavior towards her and her family which was always very loving, suddenly she stopped as if I’m carrying TB or something. Never let me talk, never told me why, just having this other neighbor taint her opinion, but then to see my situation is common from other posters. There are horrible evil people that for whatever reason they are only happy if they are hurting someone. I really believe this blog cured my hurt. I was so hurt and was coming here to pour it all out, and really reading most of these similar posts, I’m changing what I was going to say. Now I’m leaving sound advice. People don’t realize a lot of times the Bible has so much wisdom. Gossip is considered one of the “biggy” no no’s. I have learned to grimace at little ole ladies who brag constantly how they have never touched a cigarette, BUT watch out when she starts talking about those sitting in the pews. Folks this little ole lady probably won’t be going to Heaven, and she doesn’t even know it. The Bible HATES gossip and after an innocent person’s character is assassinated, even when the truth finally came out, the people still thought it was best to shun an innocent victim and they never had all the facts. Why? They didn’t ask for any facts. Why? Well truth really isn’t exciting as deceit. Our society thrives on it like fuel. I keep honest and keep to myself. I’ve learned other opinions of me are none of my business, good or bad. To all the other victims of gossip fueled by false information, I know your pain. For me prayer got me thru, and like one other poster said, never say anything (it will only fuel their fantasy of who you are). YEP these are the two reasons I’m still ok: prayer and zipin the lip. Hope I helped even one person. Thank you for reading.
is this blog still alive? if not I’ll know if nobody responds. I’d like to post, but won’t if nobody is home. boo hoo.
I am so grateful for having found this. The neighborhood I live is filled with these wicked gossips. I have been here about a decade. Yes, it is alarming that the gossips are in their 60’s and 70’s. It is like they never grew mentally about junior high. They do so much damage, but I will sell and leave here one day.