I was diagnosed Schizo-affective disorder in 2008. Post diagnosis I received my master’s degree in psychology and have been working in the mental health field as a therapist intern working with children and families. One of the disadvantages of having this disorder is that I have a duo diagnosis; I am also an alcoholic and have used pain pills to get high along with pot. I have been working a while and going to AA to help me stay clean and sober. Unfortunately work can be so stressful that I start to either drink again or use pot or pills to get through the stress of the day.
I have a great job, love the clients and the comradery of working with my coworkers but I end up needing something to take the edge off at the end of the day. I am starting to realize this is my pattern as painful as it is I wonder if I will ever be able to work again. Just the thought of returning to work makes me suicidal right now.
I realized this the other day when I was scheduled to return to work and I had the thought that “I welcome death”. I realized this and out loud I uttered the word f….! I knew I couldn’t return to work and this realization made me very sad but almost immediately the suicidal thoughts left me as I made the decision not to return to work.
This happened again recently. I applied for a teaching job at a junior college teaching psychology. It is a fantastic opportunity but as the time approaches when I will find out if I get the job or not, suicidal dreams encompass my mind and filter into the day too. I wonder if I will ever be able to work again. But my dilemma is that I don’t know what to do with my time if I don’t work? I am just putting this out there to the universe.
This disorder is debilitating and I am tired of it but I accept it as it is and will not give up the fight. I don’t want to be suicidal so for now I will not return to work. I will try again in a month and see if things change but I fear this is my destiny to be on permanent disability. God bless you all!