My pit of the stomach is at a stand still. It feels awkward. I look outside and the weather is muggy, gloomy and think how appropriate for today. I know I have couple hours before I need to get ready and think what do I feel like doing in the mean time and then draw a blank. In couple hours my life might change dramatically, or it can be the same if I don’t stand up for myself. I am hoping the others in the room will stand up when things get tense. I need to remember I can only change myself and know who I am even if someone I love wants to paint me as the one who is the issue. I know I am a real good person even if they say to others I am not. I will be OK if things go wrong and they don’t keep their cool. I will not be at a loss if during the meeting it is apparent it is leading to no resolution or threats that are not warranted or unfairness of accepting responsibility. It takes two to tango but I am ready to end the tango dance if it is an abusive situation. There are laws that are there to keep things fair and will just demand what the laws think is right and not ask for more.
I do feel I have failed my family and friends but have to remember I can’t fail myself and live with this unstable feeling or sleep in a bed with someone who doesn’t see one ounce of good have what I brought to their lives.
That pit is still in my stomach but it is a pit of questions what to come. If I stand up for myself I might loose unity something I longed for all my life. However the unity I let come into my life really needs a lot of fixing to be something I could be proud of and feel safe in. I love you, I also love me and I need to go look in a Mirror and say I love me tons of times to feel the strength so I can feel safe in the meeting.