“The wonderful thing about all this is that it is never too late to create a safe, loving relationship system rather than an unsafe, controlling one. No matter how awful things have been in the past, when two people decide to do their own inner work and create safe inner spaces for themselves, they will always succeed in creating a safe relationship
Now the key thing in the above paragraph it says two, not one but two.
I can’t push someone to do the work because that is me controlling them. A healthy relationship doesn’t have control. But attention to learn on a constant basis. I can only change my behavior and learn from my mistakes.
I also can’t feel guilty if I am doing my work and they aren’t, that part is very hard for me and will have to be super strong to honor myself. I need to be strong and be supportive to me myself doing the work no matter how combative my spouse is. Anger, ultimatums and withdrawal will not hurt me.
Again, remember I am totally worth the work no matter how much my spouse might resist and see me as an issue to our problem. When they resist I need to remember they come from a wounded self. When people are wounded they want to control and blame. Don’t blame yourself for their unhappiness.
Instead of getting angry or resentful resentful or unloving inside I will simply remind myself they are in a wounded state instead of taking it personally. I also need to over and over remind myself I can not help them get out of wounded state if they don’t want too not be in wounded state. I don’t need to get into wounded state to bound with them in hopes to control the outcome because it only hurts myself.
They also on their own need to come to a conclusion, our relationship is worth the work, it is up to them to make the choice to work on it and not just say I have to change I am the problem. Then when they make that choice, it is up to them to understand what blame and control actually is versus what they think currently it can do. I can not teach them that is their part in their own discovery. I will stay on my path of learning so I can be a better being.